Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
