U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
