She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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