i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
