party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
