I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
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Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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