my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
it's like heaven, but drunker
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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