I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
