Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Semen is not good for contacts.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is Oprah even human
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
