I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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