So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I could have mohawked her pubes.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
sarcasm needs its own font
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
