im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
