At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Help. Why am I so naked?
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