then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
