Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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