He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
