I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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