i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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