You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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