i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
