I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
