Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
