It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
