Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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