Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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