the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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