I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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