Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
