Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
