I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
