I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
