I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
