Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
