Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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