my text book just quoted the cookie monster
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
