a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
