Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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