I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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