ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
