Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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