ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
