just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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