We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
