i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
