It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
