Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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