if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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