I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
