i would punch a child for taco bell
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
