is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
