Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
