I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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