i may or may not be watching the land before time
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
