is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
