Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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