im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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