I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
