I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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