I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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