I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
